“The task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity.”
I used to hate my insecurity — okay, probably still do — it makes me feel anxious, mistrusting of others, jealous, or feeling inferior. My insecurity makes me want to isolate and hide because I feel unworthy and that something is deeply wrong with me. It contains the messy parts of me that must stay hidden to be loveable. In Western culture — I will venture to say white supremacy and patriarchy culture — that values confidence and “fake it ’til you make it” that insecurity becomes something bad, something we can dislike in ourselves and others.
In my insecure moments, I can’t trust relating in friendships or romantic relationships as distance feels dangerous. In attempts to control my external circumstances, I cling and try my darndest to make the person feel adored so they won’t leave me or I do the opposite and completely pull away to protect myself from rejection. While intellectually I realize these are most likely attachment disorders or relational trauma compensations, I can’t help but notice phases or relationships where the insecurities become even more pronounced. Insecurity often stems from trauma or nervous system dysregulation, with clear patterns in astrology — though that is for another time — though it can also be situational based on finances, relationships, health, or depression. Putting all these together combined with social media and is a perfect insecurity storm for many of us ripping at the roots of security or any semblance of it.
We’re often told and taught that confidence is the most desired quality to possess, making us more attractive to romantic partners and friends. For the majority of us, that ideal trait may never fully come to fruit…especially those with relational trauma where our sense of self. While yes, I’ve noticed insecurities in others can be rather unbecoming, but noticing it in yourself can be downright gross. And the past several months — if not my entire life — I have been in a particularly insecure place.
I can tell a lot about a person depending on how they respond to me in my insecurity, some move closer to offer comfort, while others become repulsed. And I get it, it used to be that when I saw…